Dylan Harris’s honest CV

I was born early during an unfortunate decanting accident. I had expected to be actualised some millennia later, but plans for the homo erectus fourth industrial revolution were temporarily set back by their extinction before the first.

I was supposed to be the world’s first singing brontosausus, but this proved difficult because, at birth, I couldn’t sing, and I wasn’t a brontosausus. Instead, I was a member of a quite strange hominin species, one that wasn’t supposed to have evolved.

I subsequently worked out what had gone wrong with God’s plans: there was no God to do the planning. My investigations revealed that a rather unfortunate chimpanzee had accidentally divided God by zero. Since then, creation has been spluttering.

Anyway, once born, I hid in a comedy nightmare for those millennia until I could be whom I was born to be, even though I was born to be whom I wasn’t supposed to be. I couldn’t have the life I’d expected to have, a stunning starstruck century of singing incredible chanson and eating delicious treetops, because I couldn’t sing and I couldn’t eat treetops. So I did what everyone does when plans go awry, I made do.

I was born with the ability to sing using brontosaurus vocal chords. The instinct doesn’t quite work with human vocal chords. My singing sounds very wrong. This has an unexpected benefit, enabling me to do very well in my current profession. I am an animal remover. I sing, they run. So do quite a lot of people, actually. It’s not that I scare them, it’s more than I so torment their taste they have to escape.

I am currently employed by the East Grestin city authorities to drive pests out, especially pigeons, rats and tourists. I am happy with my job. My voice would normally depress me, but the locals here like country & western music, so I fit right in, when accompanied by bagpipe and kazoo.

I take occasional freelance jobs, and am looking for more. I am very flexible, and, for sufficient lucre, can turn my delicate, sophisticated and refined morals off. For example, I’m proud of my role in the production of a famous animal documentary: I sang to some lemmings, they jumped off a cliff. My main regret is the sound engineer followed them.

I am always willing to consider reasonable opportunities. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you might be interested in my services.

With apologies to Lucas Pope.

ancient front